Tag Archives: children

My Big Fat Wedding

I dream of a ginormous wedding! One that will linger in the memory of humanity for generations to come. In attendance will be Heads of States and their sons who could kill just to be in the groom’s shoes! There will be Princes of nations, all my former suitors, dressed in the most expensive outfits, trying desperately to hide the envy in their eyes.  Of course, my Russian and German billionaire friends will also be in attendance. The Queen will grace this event of a lifetime with her esteemed presence. My family and my dearest friends who to me are worth more than the guest list will be there. They will cry, laugh and be happy for me.

I will walk out in the most beautiful white gown ever and the world will be stunned! The white will be as white as snow. Not white because of the beauty and elegance of the color, but white because I understand and have kept the truth in the symbolism of the color. My husband to be will be red with pride and joy. We will be married and the whole world will wish us the best.

Then we will begin to live as a family. The first few months will be the best of our lives. Then the baby will come and we will think to ourselves, “It doesn’t get better than this”. My son will be a prince; a beautiful man. I will feel sorry for the ladies of the world, for he will break a million hearts. The care of our new baby will be demanding, but we will try to survive. Eventually, I will have to go back to work, so I will have maids and a nanny for my son.

Then my son will ask for a baby sister, someone he can protect and we will give him one. Then things will take a bitter turn. An unforeseen event will send the finances crashing. Secrets will begin to surface. My perfect husband will turn out to be not so perfect. We will fight and argue and hate ourselves. And guess who will bear the burden of our difficulties…our precious little angels.

And my daughter will grow up harboring a certain resentment towards me because it seems I wasn’t always there for her. But I won’t get this message because in my own eyes, I have given everything for her and my son. And my son will grow up without his father by his side as a model figure because I would have pushed his father away with my eternal demands.

And then I will realize that my precious family has been torn to pieces. Then I will begin to regret and rue the day….

Then I will try to pick up the pieces and start over again, but the hurt and the pain over the years will continue to hang as a heavy scent in the air. I will push and try my best, to heal the wounds we have sustained.

I will learn to love the father of my children again and venture to gain the trust of my children again.

But the damage done will be too great and all I will be able to do will be mere patchwork. Then the children will leave home and go to settle far, far away. They will be very successful, but my daughter will blatantly refuse to get married.

And I will fight with my husband again and blame him for being the incompetence that my daughter has seen in the male race. And we will become bitter and spiteful towards ourselves. And my daughter will get to know and for the first time in 15 years, she will travel home to meet us.

We will be very surprised by her visit and even more surprised by what she has come to tell us.

She will be expecting a baby for a man she is not married to and has no intentions to marry. I will breakdown into tears and my husband will try to be the voice of reason. I will talk him down and accuse him of being the reason why my daughter has disbanded the idea of marriage.

With all the sadness imaginable in her eyes, my daughter will look at me and say, “Wrong mother. I just don’t want to risk being even half the wife that you were to my father”. Like an icy dagger to my heart, her words will be the last I hear in this world. They will be so heavy that my heart will break and right there and then, I will fall into an eternal sleep. And my daughter will look upon my body, not sure what emotions she is meant to show or how she is meant to feel. And my husband will look at me will all the love in his eyes, yet, a faint sigh of relief will he heave.

Now I ask myself, so what is the point? But I realize that I am too afraid that I won’t live through the stigmatization that comes from being alone. So afraid that I am willing to make the lives of innocent people a living hell rather than be alone.

In essence, I will still have my big fat wedding, hoping and praying that somehow, I will be happy in the end.

I apologize to no one for the way I feel…I guess life just has its own way of ensuring that you’re messed up somehow…

Have a lovely day…xx