Too many times in my short life, I’ve been told no. I’m too young, not smart enough, not wealthy enough, not connected enough. I’ve lived a lie for the better part of my life, wearing a pleasant smile to cover up the sleepless nights rid with unending tears. I have tried to make myself happy, accept my circumstances as they are; I have tried to be contented. But contentment no longer works; I am tired of fate. I dream every second, literally every second. Writing and rewriting scripts for my live over and over in my head. I dream in past tense, like these things have already happened. I don’t have just one singular dream, but I dream to be anything and everything. I feel lost many times, confused and so alone. I am too ashamed to open up; the pain in admitting to poverty just breaks my heart. So I go around not as me, but as a shadow of someone I once was…
Anyone ever get tired of being told no? Well I am. I am tired of being told I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not tall enough, not wealthy enough. I am tired of all the disappointment, and promises that end up with the rest of the garbage outside. I am hoping and aspiring and dreaming, with no way to realize these dreams. I am tired of being afraid, being ashamed. I am tired of settling, and accepting whatever I get because I nothing else is within my supposed grasp. I am tired of feeling like a ‘nobody’ with zero ability. I am praised regularly, “Oh you’re so smart, you write so well, you’re a brilliant student”. But what do I have to show for it? I feel it is all my fault most times. I probably don’t take my life seriously enough, or understand the real life impact of the decisions I make. Maybe, just maybe if I had taken a different path along the line, I could have somehow avoided these things.
At this point, we all go through the normal process of blaming our backgrounds for our limitations, and trace ever anomaly to our childhood days. I won’t be any exception to this, because I would simply be lying if I try to pretend I had a happy childhood. I was not a very happy child, school was my escape from life. But strangely, I may not have tapped into it enough for it to spur me on to my desired level in life. I have taken pride in doing well at school; that is the only thing I have. But doing well at school is not satisfying anymore. Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel there has to be more to life? I feel so much energy in me these days, like there is so much I could be doing… I am becoming more melancholic by the day. Keeping to myself more and more, alienating the world. In many of my dreams, I end up alone…but successful. I don’t mind, but I wonder if it will be worth it. What should my goal in life be? What should define success in life for me? What should I be in life? I have different answers at different times of the day.
This is really not a plea for pity or feigned empathy. It is just an emotional exercise for me. My eyes are swollen from the tears, I have begged and called on a God who I am not even sure is interested in me any longer. I am not expecting anything to just fall into my laps or be handed to me on a platter of gold, and I am committed to working to get results. I guess I am just asking for help and direction…
Chocolate Flavoured Girl 