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9/16

Like building a house on a sinking ship
Planting a tree on a buried land mine
Having for a watch, a ticking time bomb
Loving a ghost, and calling it mine

Love feels like coming home they say
I hate to agree, but for a split second it did
Feel like my homecoming indeed
Joyous return from lonely nights away

This love, akin to a sonorous song
It fills my heart, breathing life deep within
On it, all my cares and fears hung
Hopes and dreams; a new dawn to begin

Yet, tis all I have to show
For a love that I have indeed toiled
An endless bounty of naught
Despairs of an empty heart

My love flees like a thief in the night
I have no recourse, no claims to vengeance
What you sow, you surely reap
So I collect my harvest in silent tears

Once a lovely maiden, filled with youth
A thirst for life, love and laughter
She now bargains, pleading for meager mercies
Cast her not into the shadows of the forgotten

Forget me not my lover
Turn not your back on me
I fear I may wither to nothing
Should you take your sunlight away

She begs in desperation, fearing a life alone
Fearing a life without her lover
Her lover, who became the air she breathed
Her lover, who became the joy she had

What she sowed, she reaps
Violent begetting violence
What was not hers, she took
And now she calls another the crook

See her now in the marketplace and spare not a thought
She comes and she goes, a shadow of her own afterthought
A product of a love equally brightening and maddening
Culmination of guilt and regret, in equal measure

Cast her out into the streets, cursed to a life of solitude
Banish from your minds, the memory of her desperate pleas
But forget her not, and let her story serve as a lesson
Lest you look in the mirror to find her staring

9/12

TW: Incestuous rape

I don’t really have the words to describe this feeling. Is it disgust? Perhaps shame? It’s an unease at the top of my belly, a constriction in my throat. I feel queasy and sick. I keep a bucket beside me in case I wretch. I feel dirty, so unclean. I have scrubbed my skin really hard and tried to wash away the shame with scalding hot water. My skin stings all over…it seems the shame burns even brighter now. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I hate what stares back at me. I hate that person and worse, I hate that I can’t hate who did that to her, to us.

I was transported back to a time in centuries past. I laid flat on the marble slab in what I can only describe as an Ottoman Haman. I had a body scrub for my legs. I was trying to get them soft and beautiful. I worked the scrub in gently but firmly. It was soothing and relaxing. I was so lost in my own world, basking in the moment, that I did not realize I was no longer alone. Somehow, he had joined me. He was laying next to me and expecting me to scrub him too. I couldn’t be disrespectful, I couldn’t be rude so I obliged. He told me how he was sorry I had to care for him being so young. He told me life had been unfair to him and he wished things could have been different for me. He poured his heart out but all I wondered was whether or not he noticed my naked form and if he did, why he thought this was acceptable. But I could not be rude, I could not question his actions. I had to bow my head in obeisance and do as I was asked.

It was not lost on me that his member was starting to get excited by the contact and probably my nakedness. I did my best to ignore it; the body will react the way the body will. I scrubbed his legs, trying carefully not to come in contact with the rising member. He must have noticed my hesitation and tried to coax my hands along his now erect part. I pulled away instantly. He urged me not to shy away and pleaded with me. My mother had ignored him for many, many years and he was not even sure he could be a man anymore. My mother had denied him her touch, so he needed me to have mercy on his poor soul and give him the gift of his manhood back. As if I stole it in the first place. This was not right, I knew that in my heart but I could say nothing, do nothing. I regarded his member and thought it looked shriveled up and old like the person it was attached to; so sad looking, a shadow of what may have been great in the past. I felt powerless and I just laid there as he slid into me. It helped that there was moisture from the bath we had been taking; at least it didn’t hurt. Not physically.

I was worried that my body would betray me. After all, I too had been deprived of love and intimacy for a long time. I could relate, so I feared my body would welcome his touch. I didn’t hate him, so would my body feel something? No. I felt nothing. I was numb physically and emotionally. It was like flipping the pages of an empty book; it sparked no kind of emotions. Then suddenly, we became a spectacle, under the watchful gaze of passersby. Visible, yet unseen. It was as though everyone who looked upon us merely looked through me. People had the nerve to ask for directions, ask for information but not a single soul pointed out the forbidden intertwining. Everyone merely continued on their merry way after getting what they needed from me. No one raised a cry for help. I supposed I couldn’t blame them. After all, I also carried on conversation as if all was normal. If I did not reach out for help, how would they know I did not want to be in this position?

I tried to drown out his cries of pleasure and his moans of thank you. He was thanking me for helping him feel something again but all I wanted was for it to be over. People continued to pass by. I asked if we could change positions, he had laid down behind me long enough. I asked if I could be on top. Maybe I could hide his face from the world so my shame would not be on such great display. Maybe I could suffocate him while he reached ecstasy at the expense of my soul and dignity. Maybe this could all end faster. I pushed his head down so the world could not see him. A small crowd began to gather. They were still watching. An old lady began to laugh and walk away. My eyes followed her through cobblestone alleys until she found my mother. She asked my mother about me. ‘No’ I had thought to myself. My mother bragged about how I was such a good child.

“You must not know then,” the lady said to her.
“Know what?”
“That she lays with your husband, her father, a shameful spectacle for the whole town to see.”

I felt my mother’s pain and shame. I wished so desperately that she would come to free me from this prison, so we could run away and leave this horrid town and family for good. She never came. She ran away leaving me behind. I guess the heartbreak was too much. My father found completion and I was finally released. I like to think I died that night.

Every day, I have tried to burn my skin off, scrubbed hard to rid myself of that horrible memory. Every day, I am reminded of that terrible time. Every day, I feel that unease in my stomach, the constriction in my throat, the nausea that threatens to take over me. What is it I wonder again? Disgust perhaps? Or an abomination growing deep within me?

Movie Talk: The Hannibal Lecter Franchise

Perks of having a “movie-addict” husband? One, you get to watch and have intelligent discussions about movies, cinematic techniques, plot development, etc. Two, you will NEVER run out of movies to watch. And this is no exaggeration. 😶😶 Anyway…so I thought to myself, hey, I have seen some pretty amazing movies, why not do a sort of review on my faves. Hence…my first ‘Movie Talk’ piece- The Hannibal Lecter Franchise, which is a trilogy. Well, it’s not really a trilogy cos there’s a fourth one- Hannibal Rising which is a prequel to the trilogy. But I don’t plan on seeing that soon, and the actor I’m drooling over isn’t in it. Actually, I had done a piece before this one. It was on JJ Abrams’ Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but my laptop crashed and I couldn’t find it in my OneDrive cloud storage 😭😭😭 such pain, much sad…oh well…

So…a little bit of background. The movies are based off the books by Thomas Harris. The original adaptation of the first book which Harris titled Red Dragon, was directed by Michael Mann. Oddly, the film was titled Manhunter (1986). I say oddly because since the book was titled Red Dragon, I would assume the film would also be titled Red Dragon. But it doesn’t really matter! It is still an amazing film; Michael Mann is brilliant of course. Great film! Lol…you can tell I’m just trying to skip through this one eh? Aahhh…yes. So the original first film in the series is Manhunter. It was a great film to watch, but the problem for me was, I had already seen Brett Ratner’s 2002 remake (Red Dragon), and I had fallen in love with the actors. So going back to watch Manhunter wasn’t a very fun experience.

It was still a good watch though lol. It had this slasher film vibe, yet, it also gave off some Psycho (Alfred Hitchcock) vibe as well; thee violence being more implied as opposed to being explicitly shown in the film. The protagonist, Francis Dolarhyde (the Red Dragon), also had a ‘Michael Myers from the Halloween franchise’ scary vibe; terrifying and creepy as hell. If you like horror, I think you’d like Manhunter. It gave me chills down my spine. But as I mentioned earlier on, I didn’t exactly give it my 110% in watching it, so maybe I’ll try again soon and update you on my future experience.

If you’re more of a sexy thriller lover like me, then Red Dragon is definitely it!!! Ralph Fiennes plays the Red Dragon (Francis Dolarhyde) and gad dammit! 😍😍 The giant tattoo is kinda creepy, but still subtly sexy…or maybe I’m just strange. Edward Norton plays detective Will Graham. And Daddy Anthony Hopkins 😍😍❤️❤️ plays the unbelievably intelligent and brilliant psychiatrist, Dr. Hannibal Lecter who just happens to be a cannibal 😁😁✌🏾️✌🏾 Lol. Some serious stuff. This first movie focuses more on the Red Dragon, a serial killer who Will Graham is trying to catch. Though the story is essentially about him, the solving of the case gives us an introduction to Dr. Lecter, and we sort of get a feel of the kind of character he is, as he helps Will solve the case.

I think Hannibal Lecter is one of my favorite movie characters so far. The dynamic between him and Will was very interesting to observe. It was a very strange relationship, to put it one way. I mean, the movie starts with Dr. Lecter trying to kill Graham, so errr…yeah…not your conventional everyday relationship. Anyway, Dr. Lecter is behind bars now, and is helping Graham solve the case in exchange for some things. I won’t spoil it too much. What interests me about their relationship is the subtle competition between them. Dr. Lecter was basically Graham’s mentor and teacher, and suddenly, he’s trying to kill him cos he uncovered who he is. Sort of like training your protégé and then trying to take him down when you realize he has gotten as good as you, if not even better. Very interesting, but subtle idea I noticed.

But that is not where my infatuation with the character stems from. It begins in Jonathan Demme’s The Silence of the Lambs (1991), which is based on Thomas Harris’ second book in the Hannibal Lecter series, which is also titled same. Dr. Lecter is still in jail, and this time, no Will for him to continue his crazy games with. We have a young lady, Clarice. Even now, I still hear Hannibal calling her name… “Clarice”…and boy do I wish I was the damn Clarice! 😒 Oh well. Jodie Foster, amazing amazing actress plays Clarice, an agent in training at the FBI academy. Dr. Lecter says she’s a honey trap…gotta agree with him. Crawford knew Lecter would be interested in a fine young lady with a great head on her shoulders 😏 Anyhoo…there’s another case, but I won’t go into the details much. Moving on now, Lecter helps Clarice navigate the tricky case, while playing games with her of course. Lol. There’s a quiet bond forming between both of them, strong as that between a father and a daughter…low key though. He gets to know her on a deeper level, slowly crawling into her head to explore her deepest fears, hopes et al.

It’s almost as if he may fill that void in her life…almost as if he cares, in his own twisted fashion of course. I think, maybe, just maybe Dr. Lecter has a human side, oh wait, he just…ugh, nope, false alarm people. Oh well…but something is brewing…oh, Dr. Lecter definitely has a soft spot for Clarice. Then comes Ridley Scott’s 1991 Hannibal based off Harris’ third book. And boy oh boy, do we indeed see Hannibal! I love Ridley Scott. I mean Gladiator, Alien, Prometheus, American Gangster… This man is a legend. Lol. See what I did there? (N.B: Prometheus! That’s all. One word. Prometheus. Finish. You owe it to yourself to see that movie in 3D. It is just everything! And Alien, oh my God. There are some great people in this world).

The final film reveals a part of Dr. Lecter that we do not expect. It is a continuation of what happens in the second film. Dr.Lecter has unquestionably developed a thing for Clarice. And it is as freakishly creepy as it is truly beautiful. Without giving too much away, I’m going to share my thoughts on that. Dr. Lecter is a cannibal, ew, bad man yada yada yada. True…but Hannibal Rising (the fourth movie which is actually the prequel to the original trilogy…George Lucas’ people 😒) shows us his backstory, and helps us empathize with the character. In the final film, Hannibal, he explains how he chooses those he eats. Not the sincerely good people, but the rude… And the first thing I thought to myself is well who is he to decide who is rude and who is good. It’s funny because any justice system operates the same way. It doesn’t matter if this person only lashed out cos he/she was having a temporary crisis, the deed has been done, the evidence says bad person, and hey, this person has done this or something similar before. Doesn’t really matter who the person truly is beneath all the layers of dirt, the evidence of the person’s guilt is all that matters. Hey, Dr. Lecter might as well be any law enforcement body or official. Standard set of codes to determine who is good and who is bad. Pretty universal codes though? No?

And then there’s the Lecter-Clarice situation. Jullian Moore plays Clarice in this one, and she’s equally as great. What really got me was how Dr. Lecter basically watched over her like a hawk. Anyone who wanted to harm her would have to go through him first. Example: there’s this douche who makes false accusations and gets Clarice suspended. And what does Dr. Lecter do when he gets wind of what’s happening to his baby girl? He cooks dinner. Cuts the douche’s head open, and cooks a part of his brain, and feeds it to the heavily drugged douche who raves about how good it tastes. Bruh. That’s a whole new level of sick. But what else says don’t fuck with my baby better than that? 😭😭

When I started watching this last chapter, I was really creeped out by Lecter’s character, especially as his feeding process got more graphic in comparison to the earlier films. I almost wanted him out of the story. But as the film turned towards the relationship between him and Clarice, I didn’t realize when I fell in love with him. I even cried at the end. It just warmed my heart; it was twisted, and it was sooooo beautiful. And the way he’d draw out her name… ‘Clarice‘… 😍😍 oh, we definitely have a “much older man” crush! His protectiveness of her was very admirable and worthy of an envy. Visiting her house when she wasn’t home, coming by in the middle of the night in a totally non-creepy way, and the way he brushed her hair with his fingers on a couple of occasions ❤️❤️. Also, the very adorable and sweet way he notices her heart’s desire and gifts it to her later. Very fatherly gesture…or older man in a relationship with younger lady kind of thing. 😉😉

Oh well. It really got me thinking, and longing for the same protectiveness. Someone who is going to take it that personally when I am hurt or upset by someone else. But damn, that has to be one sick son of a bitch…and hey, gotta be careful what you wish for. In summary, I love ANTHONY HOPKINS in this film! 😍😍😍 I love Hannibal Lecter, I love Clarice, and I absolutely adore the dynamic between the two of them!!! ❤️❤️ And we really wish they’d make another Hannibal movie. 😭😭 I feel like there’s so much that could still be explored with regards to the Lecter-Clarice dynamic/relationship. Especially after that ending…hmmmm…fingers crossed. Honestly, they seem to be done with though. But hey, a girl can still be hopeful right?

Books: (by Thomas Harris)

  1. Red Dragon (1981)
  2. The Silence of the Lambs (1988)
  3. Hannibal (1999)
  4. Hannibal Rising (2006)

Films: (in suggested order)

  1. Hannibal Rising (2007, Peter Webber)
  2. Manhunter (1986, Michael Mann)
  3. Red Dragon (2002, Brett Ratner)
  4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Jonathan Demme)
  5. Hannibal (2001, Ridley Scott)

 

 

(Photo Credit: Yahoo search, http://www.teammovies.com)

Mine (9)

“So where are you from?” he asked as he packed my plate with food to hold a nation for a year.

Am I really that skinny that I look starved? And here I was thinking I was healthy. I knew I had lost a few pounds since I got here; apparently, oyinbo food and I are not particularly compatible. He stopped when he noticed me staring at the monstrosity that was supposed to be my food. I finally tore my eyes away from Goliath and faced him.

“You’ll need your strength later,” he said as he tried to hide his grin, but his eyes held a promise of something. Something I couldn’t quite place my hand on…until…click!

“Oh”, I half-whispered, and then giggled thinking to myself, ‘thank God I’m black. The last thing we want to do is start blushing like a goat’ (I know goats don’t blush, please leave me). That didn’t stop me from smiling like a fool, although I looked down at Goliath in order to avoid David’s burning gaze.

“So, where are you from?” he asked again, as he moved to his spot beside me on the island.

“Nigeria,” I said, bracing myself for a lengthy discussion spent discrediting common misconstruction about Africa, and African countries, and also preparing not to lose my cool.

David was straight out of my favourite, most exciting erotic novel, but that doesn’t mean I won’t lash out at him the moment he says something stupid. Maybe I could even exaggerate things a little bit, so he could beg me with that sweet sweet tongue of his. What the…keep it together woman!

“I figured you were from an African country, the accent. I didn’t know how to say it without sounding rude, so I…”

“You’re fine,” I smiled, “I don’t think it would have been rude.”

“You miss home?” he asked, and then suddenly, I began to reminisce on the ‘good ole days’ back home.

“As a matter of fact, I do. I miss my home, I miss the people, I miss being in a place with culture, I miss the food- the tasty, spicy food.”

I said the food bit with my eyes closed, licking my lips, and daydreaming of some hot pounded yam and egusi soup. God I miss home!

“So I take it you’re not too fond of the food here,” he asked, looking almost sad.
I am confused for a split second; is he such a patriot?

“Oh,” my eyes light up at the realization- the restaurant, his restaurant. “The food here is great actually, not as much spice, but I love it. Except for the part where some sauces and the chicken are sweet. I like my chicken spicy, not sweet; that confuses me a lot. But the food here is amazing!” “Honest,” I added for emphasis, hoping he’d believe me.

“It’s fine,” he sounded like a defeated child, “you don’t have to like my food.”

Aw hell! Mummy warned me, but I didn’t listen. She warned me to stop being so darn picky and choosy, and try to be adventurous for a change, but nooooooo, I just have to hold the whole world to my ridiculous standards. Ugh! I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

“I’m sorry,” I said, almost begging, “adjusting has just been difficult, even though it should have gotten easier after two years.” I felt so embarrassed, “I’m sorry, I tend to be quite picky.”

Suddenly, it looked like Goliath just grew a size bigger. I pushed the plate of food away as I fought back the urge to cry.

“I’m sorry,” he put his hand over mine, “it’s just that thinking of some Nigerian hunk cooking you your favourite spicy meal makes me a little bit sad.”

I couldn’t hold back the laughter that erupted from what seemed to be my stomach.
“You really think I’d leave you for some Nigerian hunk just cos he can make spicy food? I might as well leave you for myself then.”

He smiled like a little boy who just found out his crush likes him back. The next thing that came out of my mouth was really deadly. I should have thought this through, but by the time I realized that, it was too late…

oyinbo- Yoruba term for white person or pertaining to the Caucasian race.

egusi soup- A Nigerian dish. It is a soup made from melon, usually accompanied by a carbohydrate morsel.

Mine (8)

The parking lot attendant had yelled at us, and threatened to call the police, but David appeared not to be moved. I was scared for my life, so scared that I did not know when I blurted out, “please o! I’m here on a student visa. My mother will kill me if I get arrested o! Please!” in the most African tone you could imagine! For some strange reason, David found this humorous, and did not stop going on about it until we got home; to his apartment. “What is this? This isn’t my hotel”, I was genuinely confused. “I’m sorry, I missed the part where we decided you were going back to your hotel.” Stupid grin again. Ugh!!!!! I had to call Yvonne, and tell her. My phone. Oh no! I must have left my phone at the restaurant earlier on. Yvonne was going to talk my ear off when I got back. David opened my door, and held my hand as I got out. His chauffeur was there to take the keys, and take the car to the appropriate parking space.

“So, you want to tell me about the young man whose sins I’m paying for?” he asked as he filled my glass. “The wine looks like blood”, I said. “Don’t try to change the topic”, he shot me a stern look. I shuddered a bit. “Philip. First everything. Serious relationship, etc. Turned out to be an a-hole. Nothing glamorous.” He sat opposite me. “Then why did last night trouble you so much? So much that you would refuse to answer my calls?” “Who says I was troubled?” He stared long, and hard at me. “Please stop.” “You’re a woeful liar.” I had to laugh, the way he had said it was so funny. He was right though, I was lying. “Look, people’s hearts get broken on a daily basis. Why should mine be any different or special?” I hesitated. “It happened too quickly…not even up to a week. Doesn’t speak too well about my person.” “And me?” he asked, “what does it say about mine?” “It’s different for you, you’re a man. It’s like another trophy for you.” He laughed. “Well, glad to finally be scoring one after all these years”. “Yeah right. You expect me to believe that?” “Why not?” he laughed, “you think everyone gets with someone in less than a week, like you.” A. Spear. Passed. Through. My. Heart.

He looked at me dead in the eyes, no emotions whatsoever. “That’s what you want to hear right? You’re a cheap slut, a common whore. The world today has problems because you fell stupidly in love with someone you thought had your interests at heart. Now why don’t you go kill yourself because the world hates you because you’ve made a couple of bad calls.” I clenched my chest and begged for him to stop. I fell out of my chair, onto the ground, and cried. “He said he loved me, how couldn’t I have know better, seen the signs? It wasn’t just the heartbreak, it was the humiliation, when all the lies and deceit were revealed. It was the shame from everyone laughing in my face. It wasn’t just a breakup, it was a loss of my dignity. I just imagined him bragging to himself about how it took a while, but he still got what he wanted in the end…” I curled up on the floor, crying like a baby. David gathered me up in his arms, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I’m really sorry.” He took me to the couch where he let me cry in his arms. I stopped when my head began to hurt, and I concentrated on the rhythmic patter of his breathing instead. He kissed my forehead…

“Stacy, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to. It’s just…I…you just shouldn’t beat yourself up like you do. You are genuinely beautiful, in and out, and no one has the right to make you feel less; not even you.” Something flashed across his eyes when he said that last part; something like anger, but mixed with something darker. “But I’m sorry”, he continued, “I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that. I was a total ass, and for that, I beg your forgiveness.” He had a point, I was allowing myself wallow in self-pity, and he was a total ass for practically screaming those hurtful things at me, but I needed to hear them; he was right, I had to let Philip go, for good. I ran my fingers through his hair, and let my lips graze his lightly. “My head hurts.” “I have some Aspirin. But let’s get lunch first, then depending on how you feel, we’ll know whether to go ahead with the medication.” “Yes mummy,” I blurted out without even thinking. He let out a small chuckle, and kissed my forehead. Dang! I believe the headache just left the vicinity!

Mine (7)

My phone would not stop ringing all morning. It became so annoying that putting it on silent had not been enough; I ended up turning it off entirely. “David?” Yvonne asked. I nodded. “Maybe he wants to apologize or has something important to say. Why not hear him out? Besides, he might just be genuine.” “Yeah”, I responded sarcastically, “Philip was real genuine too.” I rolled my eyes, and hissed loudly. “I actually don’t get why you’re so upset right now to be honest. Just the other day, you were all excited, and awestruck. In your eyes, David could do no wrong, but now, he’s the devil himself. Double standards girl, double standards!” she rolled her eyes. “I never equated him to the devil. And I’m not mad”, I yelled. She raised her eyebrow. “What is really the matter Stacy? Cos judging from the state you had been in two days ago, you should be happy with how things have progressed.” I held my spinning head, trying to ask my thoughts to calm down for a bit. “He’s married”, I said nervously. Yvonne spat her drink out.

“He’s what?” she screamed. “Shhhh. Why are you screaming? You’ll attract people.” I looked around to make sure we weren’t getting suspicious glances from the other people in the restaurant. “Well, not exactly. He was married. He’s divorced now.” Yvonne heaved a huge sigh of relief. “But he has a four year old son Yvonne. A four year old son! I’m not ready to be someone’s mummy or babysitter.” Yvonne sipped some more of her drink. “Girl! You sure know how to give me a good scare! I was bout to start shitting bricks”, she patted her head, wiping off some imaginary sweat, “will you calm your nerves down? I told you I had a bad feeling about this guy, but no, you wanted a man.” I rolled my eyes and hissed again, turning away from her. She laughed, “well, he hasn’t said you should be his child’s mother, neither has he asked you to become his babysitter, so I don’t know why you’re fretting. And if you actually want this to be more than a one week stand, I suggest you make clear your terms now, before you are roped into what is beyond you. Make him understand that you’re young, and all that fun stuff.” “Yvonne, this is no joke. I can’t face him. I want to go back to school”, I cried. “You mean you want to run away from this one as well? When Philip happened, that was the same way you ran away, and avoided anything that remotely came close to reminding you of him, whether in age or complexion. Is that what you want to do again?” I had no answer for her, I had no answer for myself, “I’m going out for some air. I’ll see you later”. I got up, and left the table.

I really did not want any air, I just had to get away from Yvonne. I walked into Starbucks, and ordered a tall peppermint mocha, and two chocolate croissants. I waited for a few minutes, picked up my order, and sat at a table. I was looking out the window, when I heard the door open, and smelled his scent fill the room. I was too terrified to turn back, I just sat there, frozen. He asked for a small freshly brewed coffee. He didn’t come to me immediately, instead, he delayed, to watch as his mere presence torture me even more. The evil bastard. “I called. Several times. What’s the matter with you?” I didn’t turn to look at him. “Can you please just leave?” I said trying to sound as calm as possible. “Why do you insist on acting like a child Stacy? Why is your solution to everything running away? Why do you have to treat me like this? Have I wronged you, or am I just the unlucky fellow who’s paying for another man’s foolishness?” He knew. I don’t know how, but he knew. David knew. He saw through me; how, I didn’t know, but I know he did. “Stacy,” he started… “You know what, you’re right; maybe I should leave.” As he got up, I asked, “I thought you were supposed to be on a business trip. Don’t tell me you cancelled that to come and scold me for being a child.”

What happened next, I could never have envisioned, not even in my wildest dreams! David grabbed my arm, dragged me out of the coffee shop, and shoved me into his car. He locked it, and took a moment to breathe, then got in, and drove off. I was too shocked to do any other thing than to quietly wonder where he was taking me to. After driving in silence for about ten or fifteen minutes, he drove into a parking lot. He looked at me, and smiled; that same smile that paralyzed me every single time. “David… …”

Mine (6)

“Hoooooooooo!!!!” Yvonne screamed as I walked in. My hair was a mess, I looked almost disoriented, and I could barely keep myself on my feet. I wobbled to the bed, threw my shoes off, and then wobbled into the shower. I stood there with my hands against the wall as the warm water poured on me. I did not even have time to protect my hair with a shower cap. What had just happened? What did I just do? Oh dear! I was screwed! so screwed! David would probably never speak to me again. He’d think I was some cheap slut. How could I have let go! I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I had asked for it after all, edging him on each time, making him think he had a chance with me. But he did, and I wanted him to. He was almost perfect, but I was too eager. I had really messed up this time; really really messed up. I punched the wall several times until I saw blood on my palms. This time, the tears came out. It was like the pain finally unlocked the tears. This wasn’t my first time; but I just did not want to remember the first time. He wasn’t like David, he was much younger. But he had lied to me, and I fell for it. I still hadn’t recovered from the shame. It had been almost two years now, but the wound was still very fresh. I blamed myself for being too foolish, and I had promised not to… But then David came, and it didn’t even take a week. I scrubbed my body vigorously, as if I was trying to scrub the memories from the previous night away from my mind.

Yvonne hugged me tightly when I got back into the room, and I cried in her arms. She was no longer laughing, she was truly sorry. “Don’t be too hard on yourself”, she whispered, “Who says this time will be like the first?” I cried louder and harder, until I started shaking. Yvonne gave me some medication to help calm me down. As seconds passed, my worries seemed to lazily fall out of my hands. I soon drifted off into a very deep sleep…

When I opened my eyes, it was dark, except for the bedside lamp on the farther side of the bed. I ran my hand over my face, and by the time I reopened my eyes, it was off. Was I dreaming? Was I hallucinating? I tried moving, but no part of my body seemed to be responding. What in God’s name had Yvonne given me? “Calm down. Relax, you’ll be fine”. I couldn’t believe my ears; why was he here? Why was he here? Why was he here? Why??? “L-l-l-l-l….” The words wouldn’t come out. “Relax”, he whispered again. I really couldn’t do anything contrary to what he said, so I just closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

The door opened some time later, and Yvonne came in, looking all dressed up. I sat up, finally being able to do so. “You went out?” I asked. “Yes. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be selfish, but I had already arranged to meet up with a friend who came from out of town. And by the time you got back, it was too late to cancel.” “It’s fine…what time did you leave again?” I asked nervously. “About 7:30 cos we were to meet for 8 pm”. I looked at the time, it was past 10. He was here…David was here… “Are you okay Stacy?” “Yes. Yes, I am.” I forced a smile. “Still worked up about this afternoon?” I shook my head. “How do you feel now?” she asked. I nodded, and went to use the bathroom. He was here, in this room, in my bed. How? I shut my eyes tightly, missing the stray teardrop by a split second. I just wanted to go back to school, and forget all this had ever happened. I had not planned for this, I had definitely not planned for this.

I went back to bed that night, trying not to think about anything that had happened. The morning would reveal the circumstances, and our options, and in due course, everything would sort itself out. I was not ready to deal with all this; so not ready…

Mine (5)

“Stacy. Please…” he looked like he was going to cry. “David…” I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know how to not break his heart over. “I think I should leave.” “Stop it!” he yelled. “For heaven’s sake Stacy, stop it! It’s been four years since I got divorced now, what exactly are you afraid of? That one day I’m just going to wake up and decide I want to go back to someone who told me point blank, that I can never have a peaceful monogamous relationship with her? Wow. Yeah, maybe you should leave.” He looked upset, and I knew we had scratched at a wound that had barely healed. His ego must have been wounded above all else. His wife essentially said he could never be enough for her. How cruel. I felt almost sorry for him. “David… I’m still too young…” Was I listening to myself right now? Here was someone who had just told me one of the most shameful things he had ever experienced, and I couldn’t even empathize with him. I felt like the worst person on earth. “So you’re just going to leave now? I’m not so perfect anymore. I’m not man enough for you either isn’t it? should have known.” “Hey! You’re upset, don’t take it out on me. I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just worried that’s all. I don’t want someone thinking I’m trying to steal her family or anything. I just don’t want any problems. And I never expected you to be perfect, this is just coming as a surprise, but then again…I really don’t know what I had been expecting.”

I stopped, and sat on the bed, staring out the window, but not really seeing anything. What had I been expecting actually? I sighed. I knew this had been too good to be true. Why couldn’t I just get what I wanted for a change? “I’m not what you had wanted, am I?” he laughed. “Don’t do that please. There’s no need to beat yourself up. Not your fault that she … I don’t want to talk about his anymore.” I took off my jeans, and t-shirt, and chose a shirt from his closet. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.” I smiled, and turned off the night light…

I didn’t get out of bed until almost noon…I was really on holiday! I searched everywhere, but I couldn’t find my pants, or David. I took my phone from my purse; several missed calls and texts from Yvonne and my mum. Crap! My mum! But first, I had to call David…oh wait, I didn’t have his number. Well here goes nothing. I crept down the stairs slowly, so as not to give myself away. I went into the smaller kitchen, but there was no one there. The restaurant sounded busy, and I hoped to God that no one would decide they had forgotten to retrieve something from the kitchen at that point in time. Ayyyeee…cake! Wouldn’t hurt anyone if I helped myself to some, besides, my tummy was starting to rumble. I opened the fridge, and helped myself to some juice. All was well until I returned the bottle of juice. I was bent over, putting the bottle on the last shelf when I heard voices behind me. Perfect! I got up with whatever dignity was left in me, and walked past David, and some other guy, throwing an obviously forced “hello” at them. I heard them laughing as I went up the stairs; why me? Could I just cry now. Today wasn’t one of those days I considered myself a nudist. I stood behind the door, leaving it slightly open to see if I could hear what if they were talking about me. I couldn’t hear anything.

“Stop eavesdropping Stacy, no one is talking about you”, he called out from the foot of the stairs. Really? Really?? Really??? I slammed the door shut. Maybe today just isn’t my day. He appeared in the room a few minutes later. He hugged me and kissed my head. “Are you trying to steal my friends?” trying so hard to look innocent and genuine. “You stole my pants”, I hissed. He threw his head back as he laughed. “Well you took my shirt without asking last night, so I just thought I’d repay the favor.” He brushed my hair back. “You look beautiful”, he whispered as he cupped my face in his palms, and covered my lips with his, in what seemed like a rapturous moment. It was like being freed from a sort of invisible bondage that I had been held in without even being aware. I was weak at my knees, and I just seemed to melt into his arms. He held me tight like he was afraid that if he let go, he’d never be able to hold me again.

He brought my clothes back from the laundry, and lay them out for me while I took a shower. I decided I didn’t feel like wearing my oversized t-shirt anymore, so I borrowed another shirt from his closet. We had brunch in the small kitchen downstairs, along with the random dude who happened to be his brother, Mark. I hadn’t noticed when I had hurried past them, but looking at them now, I realized they looked so alike. Mark was nice, and chill; I liked him a lot. However, he was uncomfortably too comfortable…I don’t even know if that makes sense. He joked about me being too young for David, and how he would have been better suited, and more age-appropriate for me. I politely replied that I didn’t like young boys, I could tell from his flushed cheeks that that stung a bit. Score! Brunch was fun, I laughed so hard that my sides began to hurt. After brunch, David drove me back to my hotel. He explained that he had to leave town that evening and wouldn’t be back until the next evening or the morning after that; the morning after that was more likely. He said his driver, and one of his assistants would be there in the morning to more or less wait on Yvonne and I. I felt like a spoiled princess, and wondered how long this could last for.

“Thank you”, I said, and kissed him goodbye. As I turned to let myself out the car, he stopped me, and pulled me back in…

Vengeance

I feel like nothing will ever be the same again
I feel like I’m leaving you behind in a past life;
Shutting you away in the history books
I feel like I’m breaking, I’m broken, but you don’t really care

I feel like I’m foolish, I was foolish, to even think…
I haven’t cried since, I thought it would just go away
How wrong I was…
You stand there each day in the shadows haunting and mocking me
You take delight in watching me sink deeper and deeper into myself

I suddenly remember to cry,
I don’t even wish for you anymore
I just wish each of your nerves snaps, for every tear you’ve made me cry…